I offer my dandavat pranams to the lotus feet of my Srila Gurudeva (Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaj), my Srila Guru Maharaj (Srila Bhakti Jivana Acharya Goswami Maharaj) and my Srimati Uma Didi.
I have found it difficult to write down my memories of someone who has significantly changed my life. Srimati Uma Didi changed the hearts of many who were around her. She was a mother, a friend and someone who you could rely on. She was my protector, my strength and my role model. There was never a moment where I was with her and I could not speak my truth (to be honest, if anything at times I was a little too comfortable, but I knew she knew everything about me). I now understand that when a Vaisnavi like Uma didi comes around, having association or being simply in her presence is all you need. She was completely surrounded by her three Gurudevs, Srila Bhaktivedanta Vamana Goswami Maharaja, Srila Gurudeva (Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja) and Srila Bhaktivedanta Trivikram Gosvami Maharaja. Anyone who was around her could also feel their presence. When she would speak Harikatha, she would always speak with her eyes closed and so I once asked her why this way. She responded saying, "I am speaking to them and sometimes they speak through me." Her life was dedicated to them and this in itself was my source of inspiration. She brought me closer to them all and would often say "never think they are three, they are one and the same." She really established my relationship with them and planted this very thing in my heart. With that being said, how does one glorify such a personality who has causelessly done and given you so much, without any hesitation?
I have written, rewritten and thought of this for hours on end and I wanted to share some instructions Srimati Uma didi left behind. I am at the same time praying these stay in my heart and become embedded into my sadhana.
So as mentioned, here are some of the instructions Srimati Uma didi gave me along the 13 year journey I had.
1) Never lose sight of the most precious gift from Sri Guru - Tulsi Mala/Harinam- Srimati Uma Didi would always describe a story of when she used to live in Mathura Math. At that time, she was the only female allowed to stay there, like a Brahmacari. There, she was surrounded by Brahmacari boys who always used to play tricks on her. Sometimes, Srimati Uma Didi would hang her mala on the side as she was completing a seva, the boys would then pick up her Tulsi Mala and hide it. When she would go back to pick up her Japa Mala, it would be gone and she would spend hours trying to find it. To make it more fun, the boys would tease her in front of Srila Gurudeva and say Uma Didi has lost her Japa mala. Feeling ashamed in front of Srila Gurudeva, she would have tears in her eyes and would keep the hope of finding it. After a while, the boys would finally then give her back her Japa Mala. From that day onwards she made a vow that no matter where she went (aside from the washroom), she would never lose sight of her Mala and would always keep it around her neck. Srimati Uma didi followed this story with a strong message about Harinam. She said "this Harinam is the most precious gift from Sri Guru, not even thousands of mothers or fathers can give us something so precious, so do not take this for granted." You should at any spare moment take that opportunity to chant. These instructions were not only given but always also followed up in Srimati Uma didi's actions.
Once, we were travelling back from Wales to London. This should of been a 6 hour journey but it took 4.5 hours because of my driving (she told me to drive fast). That morning she was exhausted from the travelling and the back to back programmes that she was having, she must of been around the age of 83 around that time. Due to her busy schedule, she had some rounds to catch up on from the day before. In addition to what she had to chant that day also. So, she told me, "if I fall asleep, please wake me up." Of course, I did not, because I did not want to disturb her and I wanted to ensure that she rested well. After around 45 minutes she suddenly woke up and asked me "how long i have been sleeping for?" To which I replied "only 30 minutes." She then said in am angry voice, "you have wasted my time, you should of woken me up." She proceeded to say "time should not be wasted especially when it can be used for chanting and remembering." "Time is the most precious thing and it should be used properly to chant and remember." So just like this; she led by example and these kinds of incidents occurred a lot.
2) Opportunity always arises to complete your daily sadhana - We often hear how Vaisnavas never spare a moment to ensure they are completing their Sadhana practices. Previously, I had heard about many Acharya's lives where they displayed that in any condition they would ensure they completed their Sadhana. For me, I got the opportunity to see this live in action.
A couple of years ago Srimati Uma Didi had a heart attack and was taken into hospital in Faridabad. My husband was arranging for her to meet with a heart specialist there and so they brought her to Faridabad. During this time, we were trying (as much as we possibly could) to help Srimati Ranga Didi out. We went to the hospital around 6.30pm (the sun was setting) and as usual, I had no clue about anything and tried to speak with Srimati Uma Didi but she wouldn't reply. Srimati Ranga didi then indicated that she is completing her aneka.
How did she even know what time it was? She simply just looked outside the window and saw that the sun was coming down and started to complete her aneka, becoming absorbed in it. She gave no verbal instructions but this action was enough to highlight the importance of Sadhana. This was the message I took from it: if we are not practicing this now, then in the later stages of out life, this may become more impossible to remain this determined due to the material bodily affictions and sufferings we may experience. She was almost indicating this through her actions and when she finished, she asked me and my husband Vipin Prabhu, "have you completed your aneka?" It was mesmerizing and inspiring that even after just having a stent put in, she was completing her practices as usual and was also encouraging us to do the same. She truly only ever wanted for us all to be saved.
3) Walk in the dust of our vaisnava parampara (Parikrama) - For anyone who knows Srimati Uma Didi, she was always the biggest advocate of attending Parikrama. Whenever she would travel around the world to preach and teach, she would always invite everyone to come to Parikrama, just as Srila Gurudeva would. This in fact was one of the last instructions Srila Gurudev gave to her, which was to go to those places where he preached and invite everyone to come to the following Parikramas and nurture their Bhakti.
She once asked me, "why do we complete Parikaram, why is it important?" To be honest, I had no idea and was simply going because she had asked me to. In her response to the question she stated "Srila Gurudev would say that all 9 limbs of Bhakti are being performed whilst being on Parikrama. Why would you not want to engage with every opportunity to do Navadha Bhakti." On another occasion she explained that the foot dust of our Guru Parampara and Vaisnavas are present on these path and that we should take the opportunity to cover ourselves in their dust as this is our wealth.
4) They stay alive through their Vani (Publication) - another thing which was very close to Srimati Uma didi's heart was Publication. Especially the distribution of Srila Gurudevs books. I often would think why is she so forthcoming about these books? I recently read some letters from Srila Bhaktivedanta Vamana Goswami Maharaja, who also encouraged her to complete publication work. She would write articles for the Gaudiya Patrika and other such books. I understood only recently that just like her Guru Maharaj her life was dedicated to being completely immersed in the words of the Acaryas. She had realisations of what had been written and wanted everyone to also access the jewels she had received.
I once visited her in her room and posed the question "how do you stay connected with Srila Gurudeva?" She smiled (that sweet cute smile when you've asked her something she has been waiting for you to ask), and simply said "by reading their books." She explained that our Acaryas have put their lives and souls into providing a piece of their hearts to us via their books, yet we don't even bother to open them up to read them. She said everything they came to give is embedded into their books and if we sincerely read these we will receive it all. She highlighted how the acaryas remain present through their Vani.
If anyone has not read 'A True Servant, A True Master' I will encourage you to do so. There are letters from Srila Bhaktivedanta Vamana Goswami Maharaja to his disciples and many of them are addressed to Srimati Uma Didi. These letters are jewels and if you have never have had a connection to Srila Maharaja before, you certainly will after reading these. Of course she would be upset if I didn't mention out Srila Gurudevas books and so you can even get them free on Purebhakti.com.
5) Love and affection can conquer all- Srimati Uma Didi was a true master of love and affection, anytime I saw her with anyone, they would come out of the room feeling so loved. Of course I was always jealous of this and sometimes she would be extra nice to someone and give them many sweets and give me nothing to which I'd ask "what about me?" Without fail, she would laugh and then give me something. This is how easy it was to be around her.
For many years I was searching to find Srila Gurudev somewhere as I never got the opportunity to meet him in person. I always felt that I missed out on the love and affection he had given to so many. However, now I realise that just like Mahaprabhu left Prema in the holy river for Narottama Das Thakur, similarly Srila Gurudeva left Srimati Uma Didi to provide me with all the love and affection. To describe this in words is merely impossible. I do however, want to tell you a time where I was having a little bit of a disagreement and felt very hurt, luckily at that time I was in the same country as her and so I approached her. Out of anger (yes, I am not always happy) I was speaking some harsh words (along with tears) about things which really affected me. At this time, she gave me a very simple instruction, "always be grateful for everyone and anyone who is, has and will serve this Guru Parampara." She explained that we have by difficulty come to places where we have met vaisnavas like Srila Gurudeva. She instructed me to try and not destroy this opportunity, as we are all learning and everyone has anarthas that they are trying to leave behind. She told me to tolerate, understand and just simply give love and affection, because this is what our Srila Guru Varga have also done for us. If we treat everyone with love and affection then we will always have a open heart to receive great things. In Goloka Vrindavan there is only love and affection and to remember that this will help us grow in Bhakti. Always be trinad api sunicena and remember Srila Gurudeva is always watching.
As such, she herself was the embodiment of love and affection and this can be seen by anyone who had even a small amount of contact.
There are so many memories and instructions which are flooding in. However, a life time may not be enough to glorify or put into words the feelings I have. Gratitude is a small word for a feeling with so much depth. May what I have learnt with you be the reason for my existence and become that which you have always wanted from me.
Simply Thank you!
Always aspiring to serve Sri Hari, Guru and Vaisnavas,
The most fallen,
Yashodhari Dasi
